During Christmas break, I let my questions and the things that are beyond my understanding affect my relationship with God. I basically played the «Question&Answer game» with Him and I’ve lost every time. But those interrogations come from the fact that I have high expectations concerning how life should looks like with Jesus cause He made us great promises: He said that whoever believes in Him will do the works He did and even greater things because of the Holy Spirit living inside of us (John 14:12). In other words, I wanted want so much to be transformed that I was trying and trying harder to fix me, turning the Gospel into a method to improve myself into a better version. I operated a twist, saying to God «I need you» rather than «I love you».

The reality is that every time an expectation based on theology (what Jesus says we are or can do) is not met, disappointment can sets in. Because a delayed answer will lead to disappointment instead of perseverance if we don’t have enough character (I mean by that, that we don’t have sealed enough God’s nature into our hearts). Disappointment cripples us until our hunger for the supernatural is lost, leading finally to unbelief. For me, I got discouraged, wanting to give up at every moment, letting without knowing it bitterness, anger and hopelessness sneak into my heart. It made me live far below the authority and power that God intended for me. But Jesus says: «Blessed is he who is not offended by me.» (Matthew 11:6) 

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The good news is that we were never created to have occasional answer to prayer cause it violates our nature. I realized that I don’t have to be ok when nothing seems to happen nor lower my expectations cause we can’t settle for less than God. 

Anger and bitterness left when I laughed with my fiancé over Skype because to laugh we have to let go of something. But I still had to manage disappointment by changing my perspective. I had to get honest with God, re-align myself with hope and stop partnering with mistrust. However, I still couldn’t let go of the «WHY»: Why am I not healed? Why haven’t I received the money I need even though I believed you would provide? Why these situations don’t seem to change even though I’m praying for it for so long? God taught me that it’s not really the question that matters but more what the question produces. The truth is that we have to keep being exposed to the things we can’t explain cause it creates trust. And in the absence of mystery we will create a God in our image.

Moreover, God is not opposed to questions but we can’t hold Him hostage to an answer. When we think about it, even Jesus was answering questions with a question most of the time to bring deeper revelations to those who seek Him. 

The most important thing I learned is that we don’t need an answer to be confident in His nature. Cause if He says He is faithful, I can’t trust Him more than I understand Him: «Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart, rely on him to guide you and he will lead you in every decision you make. Don’t think for a moment that you know it all, for wisdom comes from when you adore him with awe and wonder.» (Proverbes 3:5-6) So understanding comes from faith, not the opposite.

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Hopefully He does give us revelations but I had to be remembered that timing is His playground and that it is so much better to be surprised by everything than needing to control everything. 

Finally, God encountered me (not the way I thought He would) and set me free from this vicious circle of disappointment and mistrust. Now I can celebrate disappointment cause it’s a great opportunity for me to disconnect from the fact that it’s about me. It has always been about Jesus.

To finish up, here is the verse that I held onto during these weeks: «Here’s what I’ve learned through it all: Don’t give up; don’t be impatient; be entwined as one with the Lord. Be brave, courageous, and never lose hope. Yes, keep on waiting - for he will never disappoint you!» (Psalm 27:14)

So keep believing in all your dreams about His kingdom, be content but never stop being hungry and fix only your eyes on Jesus. Cause He said that He will never disappoint us.